“Are you excited to go back to school?” often, as parents, we are surprised to hear our son’s or daughter’s response of “no.” It’s an answer that, while common, may signal serious concerns about starting a new school year.
Parents often assume when children answer no to this question, it is because they don’t want to go back to work. It is a classic case of using adult logic to answer a child’s concerns. Adults view the response as meaning, “I had a nice long summer filled with fun and now I have to go back to work, which is a lot less fun.” Realistically, however, our children are not using adult logic, and it’s up to moms and dads to decode the hidden meaning.

“We have to find out what their real worries are,” says Jennifer McEldowney, director of No Disposable Kids, a non-profit training program of Starr Commonwealth providing parents and teachers with practical tools for helping children in conflict. “Kids talk to us with the language skills they have and not with the communication abilities of an adult. Our ability to decode their inner logic is what can help them look forward to a new school year.”

According to McEldowney, Virginiague answers are a common signal that there are worries your child can’t express. “A new school year can come with a lot of new anxieties,” she says. “They can range from worries about arguments with friends, fear of bullies, fear of success and worries about not getting good grades.”

“Children can also be concerned about being in a new classroom with a new teacher,” McEldowney adds. “They may have heard stories about their new teacher from other students, or be worried that their best friends won’t be in the same classroom as they are. Other anxieties include being compared to an older sibling who had the same teacher.”

So how do we know when our children are facing anxieties they aren’t expressing to their moms and dads? One way is to observe more than just what they say. “The most important listening skill is to listen to what is not being said,” says McEldowney, “Only 7 percent of communication is words. Facial expression is another 55 percent and 38 percent of what our child is saying comes in their tone of voice. When we see that their other signals don’t match what they are saying, we can let them know we are available to listen to their concerns . . . that we’re open to what they want to share with us.”

Careful listening is central to the belief that children in stress need to talk. Parents can help their children offer concerns more freely by improving their own attending skills. First, you should stop everything you’re doing to listen to what your child has to say. “Truly listening to your child while washing the dishes or balancing the checkbook just doesn’t work,” McEldowney says. Instead, sit down with your child, convey support and interest, “be there” psychologically and encourage dialogue and keep it going.

A tool for improving your parental attending skills is to remember the R.U.L.E.S., which stands for:

R- RELAX; don’t fidget

U- UNASSUMING posture (open)

L- LEAN forward slightly

e- EYE contact-varied gaze

S- SQUARELY face your child

“By practicing these skills when you’re child faces back to school worries, you will also be opening the lines of communication and creating or maintaining a strong relationship that will make it easier to address future concerns your child has throughout the school year and beyond,” says McEldowney.

For more information about the training programs of No Disposable Kids, which has worked with schools and community groups throughout the country, visit their website at www.ndk.org or call (800) 315-8640.
 

Courtesy of ARA Content